Just Admit it
by MmeLee
Summary: 6 years after Allura's death, Keith is still dealing with the intense pain of her death. The other paladins have moved on, but he is still struggling. If you really love my work and want me to continue writing, hit me with a cup of coffee at: ko-fi dot com/mmelee. This is not mandatory, it's only if you like what I do.
1. New Year's Eve

She is a beautiful bride. Keith watches Pidge walk around the ballroom with Lance on her arm. Happily greeting each guest that attended their wedding. She wore a long lace white gown with a keyhole back, V neck and a jade green sash. Her heels matched her sash. Her floral crown was had a mix of greenery from olkarian and earth. Her mother Colleen found a way to grow their native florals. The whole ballroom is filled with floral. It's a beautiful evening in French Polynesia. Warm and inviting. The wedding makes it all the more beautiful. Keith is so happy for them. They are made for each other.

Lance is outfitted with a simple grey tux. His hair trimmed low and his baby face transformed to a man. He smiles heartily now, grief no longer wears on his face. His Altean marks now gone. Keith wonders what happened to them, but refuses to broach the subject. He's relieved he can look at Lance in the face again. Those marks were a reminder of her.

Allura.

It's been years since he uttered her name. He refuses to speak of her to anyone. Shiro often tries to talk to him but he changes the subject. Shiro figured out that Keith loves Allura still. He's concerned for his well being. Since her death, he managed to cut off any romantic feelings for anyone. Women have been interested in him, but he can't bring himself to date again. Veronica manages to find him wherever he is. She's been kind enough to write him. Veronica sends small cards and food when she can. It beats the hell out of the food he comes across on other planets. Keith knows she likes him. She finds her attractive but cannot bring himself to date her. She is apart of Lance's family and also a reminder of what he lost.

Allura.

So he remains alone. It's been 6 years. The other paladins have married. Hunk married Romelle. They travel to other planets together melding food and diplomacy. Shiro and Curtis made a life on Earth. And now Pidge and Lance are married. Keith kept his home on Earth. He had it rebuilt. Now he wishes to gift it to Lance and Pidge for their starter home.

The home was beyond repair. After the war, it was in shambles. Keith had it rebuilt mostly for his mother, but she never stays there. Anytime she comes back, she stays at the Garrison or at Shiro's. The home- the very land reminds her of his dad.

When he stays on earth, he tends to stay with Shiro too. He and Curtis have been nothing but welcoming. Curtis can cook- which is a plus. They have a large four bedroom on the other side of town. It not like he doesn't want to stay at his home, its just that there are too many memories there. The last time he spent anytime in there, he was drawn to the Blue lion and then he met-

Allura.

Keith surveys the room. He sees Shiro and Curtis, getting drinks. Hunk and Romelle dancing up a storm. Matt and Veronica cracking jokes. James and Nadia are taking shots and Ina and Kinkade are taping it. Coran is regaling Acxa with stories of old. Acxa can barely look at him now. They were a couple for a little while. He really did try to move on with Acxa. But she could not deal with his nightmares.

"You say her name in your sleep Keith." Keith remembers Acxa gathering her things from his place.

"I can't take being second place to her anymore." Her tears were fresh in her eyes. True to Keith's form, he didn't try to stop her. The same way he didn't try to stop -

Allura.

Acxa's words still stings, but she was right. It wasn't fair to her. So now she keeps her distance and he does the same. The pain in her eyes when she looks at him gnaws at Keith's soul. That pain of loneliness he's been fighting for years, suddenly is upon him. Keith's chest feels heavy. He needs air. Spotting a balcony, he grabs his champagne off the table and darts for the door.

Thankful no one is out on the balcony overlooking the beach, he removes his Black suit jacket to reveal his white button down shirt. The resort Pidge and Lance chose is beautiful. Keith is grateful that they chose here to do their NYE wedding. Being raised in Arizona, he hates cold weather. He leans on the balcony. Part of him, wants to throw himself off of it and end it all. He thought better of it.

Instead, he finds himself gazing into the stars looking for her. His dreams have been filled with her. Her telling him that she misses him. That she loves him. He cannot bring himself to tears. Apart of him numb and the other part, intense pain. His body is filled with stress. He feels like he's drowning day in and out. Continuing her work is how he copes. So he throws himself into it. All at the expense of his friendships.

Today is the first time he has seen Lance in years. The same with Hunk and Pidge. The only person he allows himself to see is Shiro and that is limited. He loves Shiro like his brother and almost a father. He couldn't cut him off if he wanted to.

Leaning almost too far over the ledge his brain his racing. Why didn't he tell her? Why did he let her sacrifice herself? All of his demons haunt him daily. Guilt over how the last seconds of her life played out. If Lance wasn't able to stop her, he couldn't either. She loved Lance, not him. Lost in thought he barely heard someone on the balcony with him. But suddenly he felt them. It's Lance.

"Hey man, are you ok?" Lance asked him with concern.

"Yeah." Keith barely turned to acknowledge Lance. He voice fell flat. Keith realized how messed up he sounds, so he drums up some sentiment.

"Congratulations Lance." He smiles wistfully.  
"She is beautiful."  
Lance smiles while patting Keith on the shoulder. "Thanks Man."  
"What are you doing out here by yourself? You should be trying find yourself a girl." Lance takes a sip of his drink before continuing.

"Nadia is single." He laughs. Keith shot him a side glance, not fully willing to face him.

"I hardly think I'm her type Lance." He answers nonchalantly.

Lance is not to be deterred continued, "Well, I wasn't going to say, but my sister likes you."

"If you aren't careful, Matt might charm her away."

Keith is fighting hard not to be annoyed. He knows Lance is trying to cheer him up and just doesn't know how. Little does he know, Veronica keeps up with him. Keith finds her beautiful but opted not to go there. That is Lance's sister after all.

"Your sister deserves better than me," He mutters out. "I couldn't make her happy."

"Wow, you sell yourself short, man." Lance takes a spot next Keith. Lance softens his voice. "I know we aren't close, I mean I wish we were better friends."

Keith raises an eyebrow. "Do you?"

"Yes." Lance says confidently. "I take it that is why you declined to be my best man? I- really wanted you to be. Katie and I were disappointed." He paused to gather his thoughts. Keith went back to sipping his drink.

"Sorry. The blades take up my time."

"Don't be. I actually, owe you an apology Keith."

Keith feeling almost exasperated already from this conversation sighed. "For what Lance?"

"For everything. For making fun of you, for making you feel like an outcast, for never thanking you for the countless times you saved us. For almost sacrificing yourself-"

"This is not necessary." Keith interrupts him by waving his hand. This conversation is getting too much for him.

"Yes it is." Lance's tone insistent.

"I will never forgive myself for not treating you as the friend you truly are."

"I forgive you Lance, but only if you stop talking."

Lance not one to be deterred by Keith aloof behavior continues.

"Keith, you did something for me that no one ever did. I will forever be in your debt."

"You're being dramatic." Keith takes a deep breath. He suddenly feels like he is suffocating again. This time under Lance's sudden sentiment. He cannot deal with too much of that shit.

"You should have told her." Keith froze in place. _What the fuck is he talking about?_

Then Keith ears began to ring. _Wait. How does he know?!_

He forces himself to a calm composure and slowly turns to face Lance. "What do you mean I should have told her?" He sets his glass down on the balcony table next to him.

"Told who what?"

Annoyance flashed in Lance's eyes. _He knows exactly who I am talking about._

"You should have told Allura you loved her… You loved her didn't you?"

Keith stood quiet, now turning away from Lance, he peers into the ocean. Now wishing he could dive in. He rather be anywhere except here having this conversation, with LANCE.

"Hey man, you don't have to tell me. Your actions tell me."

"You drown in this relief effort, you won't date anymore… Rumor has it that you had feelings for Allura…" Keith turned around with fire in his eyes. He hates gossip.

"And who told you that?"

"Does it matter?" Lance spits back. Keith turns back around to peer out over the balcony. He is fighting every emotion possible right now.

"I'm sorry man. I just wanted you to know that you are the best friend anyone could every have. I know I don't deserve your friendship. I hope after all I have done you can forgive me. Most of all, I hope you can forgive yourself."

He is struggling to keep himself together.

"I am not angry with you Lance." Keith mutters out. The mention of Allura sends him reeling. He decides to change the subject before he loses his cool.

"Now go find your new wife. I am sure she is looking for you."

Lance pats him on the shoulder. "Don't stay out here too long." Keith finally makes eye contact with Lance and gives him a firm nod.

But Keith finds that he cannot stay any longer. No amount of drinks can keep him here. He returns inside only to leave out the door. He left his regards and his gift inside an envelope. He had to get out of there.


	2. Chap 2 Home is where she is

Home is where she is.

The following month Keith returns to Arizona. Everyone reached out to him trying to see if he is ok but he's been ignoring messages. Krolia and Shiro was the only ones who he spoke to and Keith kept it brief. He's suddenly feeling smothered by everyone's concern. Before, they left him alone and let him deal with his grief, but now, it's like he's on the top of everyone's priority list. Keith appreciates the love but it's overwhelming. It's not like he's a wounded puppy who needs to be doted on and cared for. He's a grown man.

He spent the past few days in Arus. It's the closest he could be to Allura without being with her. He did not want any parts of New Altea where her statue was- rather he wanted to go back where it's peaceful or what he thought would be peaceful. The villagers were happy to see him again. They put him up in a hut where he was treated as a king. He's a savior in their eyes and they never forgot his service.

All's well until they decided to hold a dinner in his honor. During the dinner, they kept insisting that their Lion Goddess was alive. Although he dreams intensely about Allura, the thought of her being alive is too much. Not that he wants her dead, he just can't allow himself to get his hopes up.

"The Lion Goddess, she walks among the stars."

Keith raises an eyebrow at Klayzac. "Does she?" Mild doubt laced in his voice. He doesn't want to seem critical, but this is a hard subject for him.

"She looks for you."

Keith is stricken with a sudden heaviness of heart. _What do they mean, she looks for me?_

"I haven't gone anywhere." His voice is low and riddled with pain. The food they prepared is suddenly not appealing. Arusian food was never that fantastic, but it was at least edible. This topic is weighing on his soul.

"Oh but you have."

Freaked out by the conversation and not willing to hear anymore, Keith stands up and dusts himself off.

"I think I'll turn in tonight, if it's ok."

They all bow as if he's royalty.

"No need to bow, I'm not royalty."

They continue to bow ignoring his comment.

 _This is too much._ He took a deep breath before responding.

"Thank you for your kindness." His voice cracked slightly under the stress of his feelings. He gives a slight bow and returns to his tent. The next day, he left for earth. Staying there suddenly became difficult.

He got a message from Pidge while he was flying home saying that they were not going to reside in his home. They opted to buy a home in Arizona further from the Garrison. She thanked him graciously but said he had done enough for them already. Her video message that was somber. Her eyes were wistful.

"Hey Keith. I wish you didn't have to leave the wedding so soon. I didn't get to hug you goodbye."

"I wish we were close like we use to be." She pauses to take a deep breath to gather her thoughts.

"Please don't be a stranger. We've gone to hell and back together and I really want you to be our child's godfather."

 _What?_

"We didn't want to announce at the wedding but we're expecting. We thought you would want to know. We didn't tell our family yet. You mean that much to us."

Keith cracked a sad smile.

"Anyway, Lance and I left something for you at your home. I hope to talk to you soon Keith." She smiled softly. With that, the recording ended.

"I hope so too." He says quietly to himself.

Keith loves them, but has hell trying to tell them. He is just not great with expressing himself verbally. He misses them often, but finds it to be too painful to be around them for long. It's not like the gang is back together, Allura is the missing link. How can he be around them and not be reminded of her?

Keith lives in pain everyday she's gone. He should have fought for her. He should have told her how… how much he… He cares for her. Keith can't admit it, not to himself. To say it, is to admit he failed her. He completely failed Allura. She's gone and he carries this cross and it's his to bear. She wanted him to lead and he couldn't do that in the end. For everyone who wants to thank him for saving their lives, it's hollow. He didn't save HER life. In the end they lost. He should've done more. His fear made him weak and he hates himself for it.

Upon return to his father's land, he feels anxious. It's been a while since he has been here and it's painful to return. Memories of his childhood are here. Memories of meeting the paladins for the first time are here as well. His life changed forever here.

He walks to his porch and sees a card and a two boxes. Kosmo looks at it and lets out a soft whimper.

"You alright boy?" He pets Kosmo to reassure him. He sees the card is a thank you card from Pidge and Lance. Inside was a photo of them in they wedding clothes. He smiles when he reads it.

" _Thank you for coming to our wedding Keith. We hope the next wedding is your own."_ Keith rolls his eyes at the letter.

 _Pidge must have written this…She means well._

Then there was another box- one with a smell of cake… Hunk strikes again!

" _Hey Buddy!_

 _Got ya favorite rum cake here. Your mom told me you were coming back to the house soon so I got this together for ya. I packed some extra rum too. It's your favorite."_

 _-Hunk_

"He's trying to get me drunk." Keith chuckled to himself holding up the bottle. "I am not having a drink without him though."

Next Keith opens the last box and sees worn journals with the scent of juniberries on them. Allura's familiar scent gives him butterflies. There's also hairpins with adornments on them, and purple earrings… Allura's earrings. Accompanying these items is a note written by Lance.

" _Hey Keith,_

 _I know you are probably wondering why I sent you this. Again, Pidge and I wanted to thank you for coming to our wedding. But the wedding would have never happened if I didn't let go of Allura. My pain after her death kept me in hell. It wasn't until she came to me in a dream that I was finally at peace with her death. She told me to let go. I didn't know how I could do that._

 _Then Coran came to me with this box of her belongings. He said he felt like he had to give them to me for some reason. I knew it was her telling me something somehow._

 _Her clothes are left on new Altea but her journals were given to me. It was there that I learned the truth. That although she loved and cared for me, she was in love with you._

 _Soon after, I left Coran and the rest of the Alteans and returned to earth. As soon as I touched down here, my altean marks left me. Weird right?"_

"I guess." Keith shrugged. He continued reading.

" _I felt a peace I hadn't felt in years. I found Pidge and we reconnected. I thank Allura for helping me love again._

 _When I heard that you were having nightmares about her, I thought it was only fair that you read how she felt about you. I have no business with this box anymore."_

 _ **How the fuck does he know I have nightmares?**_ Keith then answered his own question within himself. Acxa is close to Veronica… Veronica told Lance.

 _ **SIGH**_

Keith took a few breaths to calm his anger so that he could finish reading.

 _I am not sure if it will help you in your pain, but you deserve to know that she at least loved you back. Maybe it will give you the closure it gave me._

 _I sincerely apologize that I was insensitive to your feelings at the time. Any asshat could see you were in love with Lu. Yet, I was selfish. I don't blame you for not being in my wedding._

 _I'm truly sorry Keith. Not sure if it helps, but you have a friend in me if you ever need one._

 _Lance_

"I don't know how telling me that she loved me now would help." Keith mumbled annoyed at the revelation.

"He means well, but he sucks at comfort." He shook his head sighing.

With that, Keith takes the box and heads upstairs to bed, with Kosmo in tow. He looks at the box curiously.

 _I don't think I want to know._

Fearing his own emotions, Keith placed the box in his closet and went to sleep. He smelled juniberries. A warm breath on his neck. Words soft as silk breathed his name out.

"Keith."

The hair on his neck stood upright. Keith opened his eyes to see an all too familiar face laying next to him. It was Allura. She visited him many times. But this time, seemed more real than the rest. He could hear her heart beating. Her silky hair danced on her brown shoulders. She wore white dress that draped over her slim body. Allura's face mirrored his but yet, she was completely illuminated. Her delicate fingertips brushed his cheek.

"Allura."

"I love you Keith."

Allura, I-I?

"You can't say it can you?"

"I said I love you and you still can't say it?" She challenged him now with tears in her eyes.

"I'm sorry Allura."

"I shouldn't have let you go." His voice cracks with grief. He feels as if his heart is going to burst.

"Don't you want to know how I feel? You can bring me back you know. You are the only one who can."

"What do you mean?"

Allura kisses him softly on the lips. His heart races. As he attempts to deepen the kiss, she disappears.

Keith wakes up sweating with his heart in his throat. He sat up in his bed dazed and upset.

"It gets worse every time." Tears are stinging his eyes. He was crying in his sleep. His thoughts went to Acxa.

"I don't blame her for leaving." He mumbles to himself sadly.

He notices the box is next to his bed and not in the closet where he left it.

"Kosmo did you move this?"

Kosmo raises his head from slumber clueless on what Keith said. He tries to go back to sleep but can't stop thinking about that box. Finally, he rolls over and picks out one of her journals. His hands are shaking.

"Here goes nothing."


	3. Dear Diary Ch 3

Dear Diary

Entry one. She has time and dates on there he barely understands.

 _Asin 10019 decaphebe_

" _I awaken to my father being dead for 10,000 decaphebe and I want to die. What am I going to do? I am stuck with a team of inexperienced earthlings. They are nothing like the paladins of old. I think I was better off dead like my father!_

 _Shiro, seems to be the smartest and most capable, but he is hardly trained for this. Pidge, seems to be very smart and brave, but small. How will he fair in battle? Hunk is a wonderful person from what I can tell, but can he fight a war? That Lance, so cocky and sure of himself. The nerve of him flirting with me as if I am a common girl!_

 _And that Keith, well… I don't have much to say about him except he is very mysterious with a slight temper. Sort of like my father I guess. None of them however, I am sure can do this. They all look to me and I do not have the answers. I will forever hate Zarkon and the Galra. I will not rest until he is dead."_

"Mysterious huh?" Keith chuckled to himself. "Here I thought she was the most beautiful woman I ever laid eyes on." He mused to himself.

He flips through more pages. "Wow, she wrote about this?"

 _I caught Keith trying to sneak away. For some reason he had it in his mind that Zarkon was tracking him? Not sure why he thought that. So happens he wasn't tracking either of us. But that was not before we were jettisoned into space and he… Well he comforted me. I feel so safe around him…He's quite handsome. I did notice beforehand, but it's just now it's more apparent. If he were to show himself a better leader, I think he would be quite capable._

"Wow, I'm quite handsome. Here I was worried if she noticed me at all." His eyes began to sting. He wiped the tears that were from god away with his hand. However, more tears were on the way. Keith isn't one for feelings. Keith has mixed emotions about what he was reading, but yet he couldn't put it down. He had to know once and for all what she was thinking all that time.

" _Keith left! No matter how hard I tried, he left! How could he?! He was supposed to be that black paladin! The lion chose him! How could he just leave us? How could he leave… Me? I thought he cared. I thought he cared about the team! I thought at least, he cared about me?"_

"I did Allura, I do. I left because I thought I would be of better use elsewhere. I wanted to fix this Lotor problem. I wanted to fix it so you could sleep at night…" Keith put the journal down on his bed. A knot formed in his throat.

Kosmo sensing how upset Keith is, put his head down on his lap. His heart was heavier than ever.

Yet he pressed on.

He flipped through to see another entry.

 _We haven't heard from Keith in a while. I asked Shiro to reach out to him and he never seemed concerned. It was weird in my opinion. His behavior is… off. I miss Keith. I am not sure how the team feels, I never asked. But… I think I am in love with him. There. I finally admitted it to myself. I am not sure if that will make me feel better. In fact, it makes me feel worse. I should have stopped him from leaving. I should have told him how I felt, even if it meant rejection._

 _But then, what kind of leader would I be? I would be seen as…_

 _Someone who is not in control of her feelings. That person isn't me._

Another entry. Keith read. Nexcela…

 _I cannot believe that Keith was about to sacrifice himself! He cannot leave us. He just can't! Why doesn't he value his life. Doesn't he know we love him?_

"No, I didn't know Princess." Keith took a deep breath. It's getting to be a lot emotionally.

An entry about Lotor…

 _He is well versed on Altean alchemy. Being close to him is like being close to my family again. My past. Maybe Shiro was right to trust him after all. Maybe I was too cautious. Lotor is intelligent, charming and quite the leader._

"Not to mention manipulative…" Keith grumbled. "It's my fault for not being there. I would have figured out that Shiro was a clone and that Lotor was using them."

And then, an entry about Lance.

 _Lance doesn't seem so bad. He was here for me after Lotor hurt me, maybe I should give him a chance. At least he didn't insult my father…_

 _As much as I care for Lance, he just… He isn't Keith. I wish we had a few moments alone to talk. I just can't seem to get him alone. Lance sticks to me like glue and Keith seems to avoid me like the plague… Maybe he hates me now. That is it. I should just try to get over him._

 _I often dream that I walk this earth ground with Keith. Everything is perfect. There is no war, our parents are both here and we are married. Father would have loved him… I dreamt this a million times only to wake up at the Garrison. My own people hate me, Keith hates me and the only person who asks how I am doing is Lance. I feel smothered by him. He doesn't mean it. I just… I love him… I just know he loves me more than I can love him right now. My heart is elsewhere. My heart is with Keith, but I must accept that he doesn't feel the same way…_

And then a poem, about him. About Keith...

" _Do you think about me?_

 _Am I a passing thought?_

 _Or apart of our reality?"_

It was too much. The revelation sent his mind reeling. She loved him? I mean he had visions of Allura visiting him, but he thought it was his own mind. Even when Lance showed up saying she visited him, he thought it was his grief. But maybe it's real? To find out she loved him? And as early as before he left?

He searched his mind for clues he missed. Keith knows he isn't the best at social cues but surely he would've known, wouldn't he?

"I can't read anymore." Keith put the book down and placed his head in his hands. Hot tears burned through his fingers. He cannot remember the last time he allowed himself to feel grief over her death. But this time, the pain he avoided all this time, it inevitable. A searing pain in his chest and soul that ravaged his heart. Why couldn't he admit to her how he felt? Surely it would have saved her. Wouldn't it?

Those questions, ran circles in his mind as he cried. His body crumbled up like a ball. Kosmo nuzzled up against his master like a warm comforter. Heaving from the stress, Keith fell fast asleep from the exhaustion of it all.

The smell of bacon awakens Keith's senses. His eyes crack open to see that Kosmo is no longer by his side. He is trying to wrap his mind around who would be in his home cooking.

Groggily he calls out, "Mom?"

And then it dawns on him, his mother doesn't know how to make bacon and eggs. Throwing on his robe and instinctively grabbing his blade, he shuffles downstairs, only to see a familiar face.

Hunk.

Keith didn't know who was in his kitchen, but he was relieved it was only Hunk. He should've known. Pidge is the only other paladin that cooked and she wouldn't be in his home cooking in the morning.

"Hey team leader!" Hunk chimed cheerfully. Kosmo was on the floor munching on a bone Hunk brought him.

"Don't call me that." Keith expression was stoic, unfeeling. Hunk ignored his cold demeanor however.

"What are you doing here?" Keith asked slightly irritated. "It's too early."

"Keith, its 11am." Hunk said. "You forgot you gave me a key?"

"Yes to maintain the house. Not to be frying bacon."

Hunk ignored Keith grumpy comment. He knows deep down Keith is glad he's there.

"I made Bloody Mary's." He set a glass full in front of Keith. Keith stared at it before stirring the celery.

"Does it have vodka?"

"Uh Yeah." Hunk responded as he flipped an omelette. "Looks like you need a drink too." Keith was in pajama striped pants and a white tee shirt. However, his eyes normally bright, looked sunken, with dark circles. His skin, dry and sallow.

Keith rolled his eyes at the comment. He slowly sipped on his drink.

Keith hadn't looked well in a while and everyone noticed. He looked thin and appeared to have lost muscle tone. Everyone tipped toed around Keith's pain. Hunk was done doing that. He wanted to take more of an active approach to Keith's depression. They already lost Allura and it feels like Keith died with her. It's time to intervene before he dies of a broken heart.

"So what pleasure do I owe this visit?" Keith asked. The drink slow letting his guard down.

"Well," Hunk started off while placing a cheese omelette, bacon and hash browns in front of Keith. "We were hoping –"

"I'm not going there tonight." Keith waved his hand dismissively. "I remember her everyday without help."

Hunk not to be moved continued. "Keith, we all miss her and I know I can't force you buddy." He placed his on plate down and began to dig in.

"I just thought it would help if we all talked about it together-"

"Talk about what Hunk?" Keith said combatively. "Her?"

"There is nothing to talk about." "She died and we watched her die."

"Yes that's true." Hunk said. "But you know Allura would not want you to live like this Keith."

"Live like what? Without her?!"

Keith swiped his drink, causing it to crash on the floor. Glass and Bloody Mary splashed everywhere. Kosmo rushes to his side. "THAT IS THE PROBLEM! EVERYONE EXPECTS ME TO LIVE WITHOUT HER! BUT I CAN'T!"

Hunk's eyes widened at the revelation, but he dared not say anything. He decided to listen instead. Keith paced hysterically, arms swinging. He was completely out of character. He fans his hands through his raven hair. Hair that can use a haircut, as it was falling on his shoulders.

"DID YOU KNOW? DID YOU KNOW SHE LOVED ME? AND ALL THE WHILE I FAILED TO SAVE HER? IT WAS MY FAULT! MINE ALONE. I FAILED YOU ALL."

As upsetting as this is, Hunk felt honored. Keith never showed his emotions to anyone, except maybe Shiro. He isn't Shiro, and is not sure if Shiro saw this. Hunk realizes that Keith must trust him.

"You fail didn't Keith."

"I DID! I SHOULD HAVE FIGURED OUT ANOTHER WAY FOR HER TO LIVE! DAMNIT! HOW DID I LET HER, WALK OFF WITH HAGGAR? **HAGGAR?!"** His eyes are wild and red.

He threw his salt shaker across the room. It exploded on the wall.

" _I-I LOVED HER. I LOVED ALLURA! I LOVED HER SO MUCH!"_ He yelled so loud, but his voice left him.

"We all did Keith." Hunk said quietly.

Keith leaned against the wall and slid down. His body crumpled into a ball.

"No. I was IN LOVE with her and I failed. I failed her…" Keith's voice is raw and strained. He would cry but he is done. He placed his head in his folded arms now across his knees. Keith expended all the energy he could at the moment. His throat dry and he's out of tears. He just rocked his slim body back and forth. His heart pounded in his ears. The pain was like a hot iron stabbing him in his stomach.

 _He was in love with her?_ The revelation struck Hunk like lightning. _Why didn't he notice? Of course! It all makes sense now. Now he feels like a horrible friend. He encouraged Lance to ask her out. All the while Keith loved her_.

Thinking back, He noticed that Keith was depressed around them but he didn't want to pry. A sinking feeling washed over Hunk. Suddenly, he feels like he failed Keith. The team failed him. Not the reverse.

Hunk got up and sat next to Keith on the floor.

"I don't need your sympathy Hunk. I don't deserve it." Keith mumbled, defeated.

"You were my friend when I needed you Man. Why won't you let me be your friend Keith?"

That comment stung Keith. He knows Hunk means well, but he doesn't understand. He doesn't feel like he deserves anybody's friendship. He wasn't a good leader. He didn't save Allura. All those people died. All those blades died. It's his fault.

He should've died too. Not her.

"You didn't fail us buddy- we didn't do enough to include you. We didn't listen to you. We didn't always make you feel apart of the team." Hunk hung his head. "We failed you, Keith."

"I'm sorry." Hunk said squeezing Keith's shoulder.

Keith padded Hunk's arm to acknowledge his apology. Feeling tears threatening his eyes again, Keith stood up.

"I need to be alone."

Hunk nodded.

"You know your way out."

With that, Keith darted upstairs leaving unfinished food and a mess in the kitchen.

Hunk looked at Kosmo. "Go and make sure he doesn't kill himself." Kosmo as if he understood Hunk, disappeared to join Keith.

Hunk looked around the kitchen to see the leftover food.

"Well I see no reason why this food should go to waste."


	4. Time after Time

_In the end, there is no time._

 _You and I are made for it. We appear in and out of it._

 _No other love can come between us, you were always mine._

 _You found me my love, the moment you stopped trying to hide._

 _Copyright 2019. Do not repost._

Time after time

In the days after Hunk left, Keith's sleep was crappy. Since Allura passed, it's like he's been in a state of unrest. Keith's life has been a walking nightmare. He feels like he's drowning with no end. Allura was his air and now he's in a constant state of suffocation.

In short, he wishes he could die. At least he would be with her.

The smell of coffee awakened his senses.

 _Hunk again?_

Keith walked downstairs and sitting on his black leather sofa quietly, was Krolia.

"Mom?" Keith said questioningly. He wasn't sure if he was dreaming or not. His mom doesn't visit the house because it's painful for her.

"I made enough coffee for you."

"Thank you." Keith said gratefully. "What are you doing here?"

"Making sure my son doesn't die in his grief." Krolia said as she sipped her coffee.

"I'm not going to die." Keith retorted.

"Oh really?" She arched her eyebrow.

"You don't look as if you are eating Keith." She tugged on his undershirt as he sat down. "You're barely alive."

"Not you too." Keith sighed.

Krolia ignored his snarky comment.

"You know, I can still smell your father's scent here." She reminisced. "It's the land. The air and everything about it."

Keith put his face in his hands. His mother is working on his emotions.

Krolia turned to face Keith. "I am afraid you inherited my coping mechanisms, Keith. The difference is, I had a war to fight." She tilted his chin to meet her eyes. "You no longer have one."

"I am fine mom." Keith reassured her. "I am happy with the relief effort."

"You aren't happy." Krolia countered. "Everyone sees that."

Keith leaned back on the sofa and folded his arms.

"It was easy to ignore how horrible I felt leaving you and then losing your father. It made it easier to kill. I was angry and I hated Zarkon, then Lotor and finally Honerva. And now, like you, there is no one left to kill. It's just rebuilding. I am not only rebuilding the universe, I am rebuilding myself. And that's what you have to do."

"How did you get through it?" Keith asked fighting impending tears. His heart beating in his ears.

"You have to face your pain Keith." Krolia advised touching Keith shoulder to comfort him. "Just like I did today by coming here."

Keith knows she is right but he is having trouble with what that means for him.

"I don't know how to Mom. I just-" Keith's voice cracked under the stress.

Krolia grabbed Keith by his shoulders to face her. "Hey, Allura never left you. She never left any of you. You all are changed and bonded forever because of Allura. If I wasn't for her, I wouldn't have you back in my life if it wasn't for Allura. It was her vision that ended the war."

Keith's mind was churning. He never thought about how the war changed him. How much Allura meant to so many others. He focused more on how he felt and his pain. But the fact was, everyone was positively affected by her life. And most was dealing with her death in their own way. The weight of her death was heavy indeed.

Krolia tilted his head up. Both her eyes and Keith's are brimming with tears.

"You are all I have left, Keith." Her voice faltered. "I can't lose you too."

Keith hugged Krolia tightly. He never wished to hurt his mother. Wishing for his own death was selfish.

"I'm sorry mom. I have been stuck in my own pain, I did not see how it was hurting you."

"Don't apologize. I would not have come here if it wasn't for you Keith." She smiled sadly. "You saved me."

"We saved each other." He buried his face in her shoulder trying to control his tears.

"I love you Mom."

"I love you too Keith."

* * *

Later that evening…

Keith arrived on new Altea. He wore an old leather jacket, with a black hoodie pulled over his head, sunglasses and black jeans. His hair pulled back in a ponytail. For the first time in years, he approached Allura's monument and didn't want to be immediately recognized. His heart pumped outside of his chest. He was dying inside but he knew he had to do it.

He had to face her.

Keith knelt on the ground.

"Allura…" Her name weighed so heavily on him and yet, he felt so empty saying it. For years, he wouldn't utter it out loud. "You know I was never great with words." He paused. "It's probably useless. I know you are gone. But I loved you. I always did. I am sorry I never told you. I am a coward. I would rather die on Zarkon's ship than to tell you, how deeply I loved you. For what it's worth. I am sorry. I failed to be the man you wanted me to be."

"You didn't fail her Keith." A voice said.

Keith whipped around to see Coran standing there. Wiping tears from his eyes.

"How- how long were standing there?" Keith asked embarrassed.

"Long enough to know how you feel." Coran said almost sobbing, wiping his eyes. "She was proud of you, Keith. Surely you know that."

"I know." Keith said finally realizing it himself. "But after reading her journals, I realized I failed her." Keith said sadly.

"Lance gave you those, didn't he?" Keith nodded in response.

"I am glad he did." Coran said with his eyes fixed on Allura's statue.

"Why?" Keith asked.

"Because he would have never led his life if he didn't see how she felt. And you wouldn't be here trying to move on yourself, if you hadn't read those journals." Coran added, patting Keith on the back.

Keith looked down at the ground mumbling. "It not like it will do any good."

"I think you're wrong Keith. Somewhere out there," he peered up at her statue. "She heard you." Coran smiled and looked at Keith. "Yes, she definitely did."

"You talk as if she is alive somewhere." Keith said looking up at her statue again.

"Don't you know Keith? No paladin is really gone." Coran said reassuringly.

"Especially the heart of Voltron."

* * *

Keith returned to his home. Everything was the way he left it, but his home smelled of juniberries. The same way the box smelled when he read Allura's journals. Keith found it odd, but brushed it off.

" _I'm imagining things."_

The journals were on his nightstand and Kosmo was sleeping soundly. Keith's eyes felt heavy after the trip. Soon after, he fell fast asleep.

 _Allura is sitting by a lake wearing a soft pink sundress and her feet in the water. Her hair is down. It was as if she was waiting on Keith. He walked up and sat next to her. She beamed at his arrival and hugged him._

" _You found me Keith… You found me…"_ She rushed to hug him.

He's confused by her statement. _"What are you talking about Allura?"_ He searched her eyes for answers. _"You are always in my dreams."_

" _Yes Keith, but this time, you came looking for me."_ Her eyes were bright. She seemed so happy.

" _I love you Keith_." She hugged him again.

" _I love you too Allura."_

" _Keith, I want you to know, there is always a time and place where you and I are always together. We will always find each other. No matter what forces try to separate us, it will always fail. We are apart of each other always."_ She touched his face and kissed him. Tears ran down his eyes.

* * *

Keith woke up sweating. The dreams were so strong, he was crying in his sleep. He looked down to see Kosmo sleeping next to the bed. But Allura's mice are stirring tea on his nightstand and her journals are gone.

"What are you guys doing here?" Keith asked the mice. They smiled at him and saluted him in response to his question.

"You guys must have stowed away on my flight back." He shook his head. "Coran will be upset when he finds out."

They all shrugged their shoulders.

Keith sighed at their indifference. A massive headache prevented him from caring too much about their presence in his home.

 _That dream was intense._

But then Keith realized there's a skylight in his room. It revealed the constellation over Arus. It suddenly occurs to him. His room is not the same room he fell asleep in. It's huge. He is laying in a four poster super king sized bed with plush ivory sheets instead of his usual full sized bed. Over his pillows was an Altean crest. Inside the room, was a vanity and two closets. One closet contained men's royal clothing and the other, women's clothing.

"What the hell?"

Lying on his chaise lounge was a plush black robe with his initials K.K etched in gold. The red chaise was the only piece of furniture Keith recognized. Unwilling to walk outside the door in his underwear, he put it on. Confused of his surroundings, he ventured outside the room. Altean servants were milling the hallway outside his door.

"Emperor," one servant said. "You should be in bed recovering." Keith looked over his shoulder to see who she was addressing.

"Who are you and what are you doing in my home?" He asked the woman confused. She was an older Altean woman whom he'd never seen before.

"Hys!" She said surprised he forgot her name. "Oh my, you really hurt yourself. Did you drink the tea the empress sent up?" She asked concerned.

"Empress?" Keith asked, looked her up and down like she was crazy.

"What are you talking about?" Before she could respond, he added, "I am going to get something to eat." And Keith walked off in search of the kitchen.

 _This can't be real._

"Oh dear." She said worried. "I must tell the Empress he has amnesia." Hys scurried off.

Keith stumbled in the kitchen. It was bustling with servants.

The scene freaked Keith out. "What the—?"

"Oh Emperor!" They all bowed cutting him off in mid sentence. "What would you like?" One servant asked not looking at him in the eye. They were all in white shirts and pants. Impractical for the kitchen.

"I would like you all to stop calling me Emperor." He said mildly annoyed. "I'm Keith."

They all laughed a little.

"We aren't allowed Emperor." Another servant said.

"We will send your usual to your room." A female servant said bowing. She looked like Merla. But the situation was so bizarre, Keith decided not to inquire further.

"Either I am crazy or you all are." He mumbled looking at his expectant faces. "Don't bother." He walked out. As he roamed the hallways, he noticed there were a scattering of paintings that adorned the walls.

The paintings were of himself and Allura.

 _ALLURA?!_

 _Where the hell am I?_

A voice from below startled his thoughts.

"What are doing out of bed Emperor?" He looked down to see it Klayzac. Keith is relieved to see a familiar face. "Why is everyone asking me that?"

"Because, after your crash, you almost died." Klayzac said matter of factly.

Keith's eyes grew wide at the revelation. "What crash?"

"You had a crash while coming back from a mission. The Empress was looking for you everywhere. But we Arusians helped her find you." He said proudly sticking out his chest.

Just when Keith was going to inquire further, he noticed Voltron outside of the window. A large window with stain glass borders.

 _Voltron?_

Voltron was standing as almost a monument outside. Keith walked to the window to see a courtyard, with juniberry flowers, a fountain and a garden. He looked down to see Klayzac remained by his side.

"Where is Allura now?" Klayzac pointed to the breakfast room down a long corridor. "Thank you." Keith said hurriedly. Klayzac nodded and continued on his way.

"Keith my love." Allura stood up as if she was expecting him.

"You found me." Her smile was warm and inviting. Allura was wearing a white royal robe. Her hair lied like pillows on her shoulders. She looked so beautiful. Like the universe was gathered in that small beautiful brown body.

 _Allura said that in my dream. I must be dreaming. Yes, this is definitely another dream._

She beckons him to join her for breakfast.

"Allura," he said walking up to her. Keith heart was racing. His eyes drank in her presence. In life, he was unable to reconcile how amazing she was. In death, it's no different. Keith love for her knows no bounds.

Allura looked on him with adoration. Her gaze finally registering in Keith's brain as love. Keith hugged and kissed her. He prayed he wouldn't have to let her go again.

"You aren't real, are you?" He asked. Tears suddenly flooding his eyes.

"Of course I am real, Keith." She looked at him searching his face. "What kind of question is that, my love? Why are you crying?"

Keith touched stroked her hair and breathed her perfume. He kept his arms wrapped around Allura.

"Yes, it must be a dream." He said shaking with grief. "You died Allura. It must be a dream." His eyes squeezed shut. Afraid if he opened them, she would be gone again.

Allura pulled away from Keith and looked at him. Her longing gaze resting in his eyes. "Please love, go rest." She kissed him burning the sensation in Keith's memory. "The crash took its toll on you."

"I don't want to leave you Allura." He said with his heart breaking in front of her.

"You won't." Allura squeezed Keith's hand as to reassure him. "I'll have the food sent up." She said adoringly. "We will have breakfast in bed, I promise." Allura called for the castle doctors and servants.

"Please escort the Emperor to our room along with this food." They nodded. Coran rushed in as they were guiding Keith upstairs. His expression lost, almost glassy eyed. He looked back on Allura's image longingly.

"Is he okay?" Coran asked looking down the hallway after Keith.

"Yes Coran." Allura with mild concern. "He was rambling. I think he has a concussion."

"Oh no." Coran said worried.

"Don't be troubled Coran. I will be joining him upstairs." She smiled. "He needs some tea and I think he will be as good as new."

Coran nodded. "Well, in that case, I will make sure you aren't disturbed. I will cancel all meetings for today and update the paladins of his condition." He smiled.

"Thank you!" Allura squeezed Coran's arm. "It's good we don't have a war to fight anymore. Now we rebuild." Allura smiled softly.

"Indeed!" Coran turned his heel to leave when Allura called him back.

"Coran?" Allura said in a more serious tone.

"Yes Empress?"

"I am glad I saw you before I left." She smiled wistfully. "Thank you again. For everything."

Coran mildly confused at her sentiment, nodded and left.

When Allura arrived in their bedroom, Keith was fast asleep. Allura stood for a few seconds to take him in. Keith is strong and handsome. She feels so lucky to have him. Allura hugs herself, finally happy.

The tea she prepared for Keith was gone. Allura climbed in the bed next to him and placed a soft kiss on his forehead. Allura stroked Keith hair for awhile, taking him in.

 _He's at peace._

Allura reached in her nightstand and pulled out her journal. She wrote:

" _You freed me Keith. Now it's time that repay you too._

 _With all the love I withheld from you._

 _Like you, I rather die than admit how I felt._

 _I guess we're the same._

 _But now, I have the power to create a reality_

 _To make things they way it should've been._

 _We're together, finally forever._

 _Without pain."_

The End


End file.
